Who am I?

I mentioned last week on Instagram, that I’ve been having a hard time since having the twins and moving here last year.. Things have somewhat quieted down with the twins and our craziness (who am I kidding, it’s still a shit show for anyone watching!) and it’s given me a chance to say “who am I? what are we doing?”.

Last week, I traveled away from the girls for the first time for work. My inlaws have only taken all 3 girls at once one time so I’m just used to being with the girls! So when the thought of having to leave the girls for multiple nights (and be in another state), I kind of lost it. I was nervous – and honestly, i’m not sure what for after it’s all said and done. BUT before that, I was anxious. I wanted to go since it was back “home” to Minneapolis but I also wanted them to be there too. (it was also very weird to not go to our old home after work meetings/dinner vs the hotel down the road) Momming is a funny thing, isnt it? I’ve been dying for some alone time and when the opportunity comes, I’m nervous and going the opposite way!

I love me a good patio and happy hour drinks and food!

Rewind to a few nights before leaving to Minneapolis and it hit me… the person I was when we lived there doesn’t feel like the person I am now. I feel like i’m just lost – like what do I enjoy doing outside of the kids? I used to love fashion, blogging and the occasional photoshoot prep for Magnolia. I feel like for so many years, it was getting the girls here; infertility, miscarriages, failed IUIs, multiple rounds of IVF, difficult deliveries and then you know, being a Mom to Magnolia and Twins.. that it’s hard to imagine my world involving anything but them. And when you’re busy with the kids before work, then work all day and then it’s nonstop after work, it’s hard to have time for yourself anyway.

Before we moved here, I had friends. This sounds funny, but honestly, I didn’t see those friends often. A few of them, I did a little more, but others I saw only when we had annual parties. There were basically groups of friends and we weren’t good enough friends with any of them to be included in their normal every day things they did together but yet after being here, I was yearning for those friendships.

Since we moved here, I’ve met a few different people but I find that I’m making more effort and not much being reciprocated that it makes me question myself as well. It’s difficult when the girls aren’t involved in a ton of activities for me to meet other parents at and I don’t see any of the parents at daycare pick up to start conversations with – it left me wondering where do you meet people when you’re older? I work from home so there’s another avenue for meeting people that I don’t quite have. Then the question was, what do you even talk about these days with said “friends” you’re trying to make? Ha!

Logan and I are so different in that he knows what he enjoys; golf and he’s more than happy going by himself and being paired up with whomever. So this doesnt bother him as much – but he knew this was a bigger deal for me.

Honestly, this is how I felt before my trip last week. I can tell you though, my thoughts changed after my work trip. It felt so good to be back where we’ve lived the last 11 years; where i’ve worked the last almost 10 years. It felt good to see people in person (not enough to not want to work from home!) and to just make me feel more confident with all the work I do. I have a good job but sometimes when you’re working from home, it doesn’t feel as “professional” aka KRISTI GET READY EVERY MORNING!!! Ha! Need to work on that still versus mid day before I grab the girls!

I saw a couple of my girlfriends briefly for a happy hour and a dinner and I can’t even tell you how amazing that was. Not worrying about their thoughts of me, not worrying about who I am with them but just being me and being able to talk about everything and anything. It just felt good to be me. I came back feeling more refreshed and remembering who I am a little more.

I’m ready to see them all again (and more!) next month for a wedding we’ll be attending in our old neck of the woods! I know Logan’s excited as well. It’ll be our first “getaway” and I wish it was for longer because it’ll go real fast for basically a night in the cities but it’ll be nice to be us again too!

I’m stll thinking of ways to meet people more and to find people I “click” with more but until then, I’ll survive! All that to say, if you’re in the same boat of “who am I? They say it takes a village … do they just show up??” then you’re not alone! We’ll all get there and if you have any tips or suggestions, let me know that too!

As I lay with Magnolia one more time tonight, (that girl can extend bedtime for almost an hour – I swear!) I’m reminded of how fortunate I truly am for the life I have and my family. I am beyond blessed with my three girls and I thank God every day for them. There was a time when I didn’t think I’d be a Mama so when I’m down on myself, I’m reminded when I look at them of how lucky I am that I might not have time for all the other stuff.


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